I am going to try my very best to get back into this whole blogging business. First of all, because it is just good for me to write, no matter how trivial the posts may seem. And second of all, because I think it helps, in a small way, for me to think through things a bit. Even if the thoughts are still half formed and sloppy when they find their way here.
So, here goes.
I tend to keep my life full to the brim with jobs, classes, volunteer opportunities, etc, etc. Although my nerves are constantly frayed, I find a strange comfort in it all. But whenever I find the time to just be still, this awful, gnawing restlessness sets in. Because in those quiet places I start to wonder if all this responsibility is worth it in the end.
So here I sit, three days into Christmas break, and already my mind is ill at ease.
Maybe it's the wine. But I don't think so.
Revelation: I am afraid of waves. Ripples, even. And unbeaten paths. And risks or unexpecteds or spontaneous, irresponsible actions with unclear consequences.
Revelation #2: I don't think I'm ok with that.
For the last year or two I've enjoyed tossing around all these lofty ideas of what I could do after I graduate. Working with a dear friend as she provides a loving home for disabled orphans in Uganda, moving to a big city (just because I can), teaching English in Europe and traveling anywhere and everywhere on the weekends... For the first time in my life the possibilities and adventure were intoxicating rather than frightening.
But now, a year out from that freedom, I find myself rifling through all the "what-ifs" and the "buts", leaning towards the much safer, more responsible, more predictable route of settling into a job here, at home. Staying with my parents to save money if need be. Doing what I'm supposed to do.
When a friend mentions that we should go on a road trip for spring break, I immediately spring into my excuses about money, working, and making sure I'm rested when we spring back into classes.
When I try to clear my plate a bit for the coming semester, I find myself guilt-ridden about leaving one of my jobs and completely unable to turn down new responsibilities that people want to throw my way for fear of letting them down.
Vomit.
I think it's a little bit sad that tagging along on my dad's business trip to China is an adventure for me.
But I think it's a start.
